Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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