My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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