Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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