Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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