you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize