i will never coherently bang her
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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