I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
