so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
