dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
