Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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