Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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