I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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