I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
