you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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