You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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