This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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