I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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