just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
