Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize