Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
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