Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
