That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
