If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
