i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
