dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
