DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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