i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
