didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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