U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
