why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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