Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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