yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
