I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
