I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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