I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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