Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
