Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
