Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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