I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
