i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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