I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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