Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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