my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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