I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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