I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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