omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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