Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
