I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
