Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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