she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize