Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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