Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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