we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
