You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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