Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
