just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
