yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
