Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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