Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
