Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
