I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize