She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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