Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
