does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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