look no pants
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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