I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
