Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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