I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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